What do you do when someone's "best" just isnt enough for you?

No matter how hard i try, i just cant make this work.

"god can be so hilarious, haha..."

my mind has been thinking up grand schemes. i'm so close to getting out of here. i cant wait to see their faces.

vow of silence

I've decided to stop talking in this house...indefinitely. I'm done with getting in trouble for things that I think aren't just or right. I will now wait until I have left this truly god-forsaken household to confront any of the worthless people in my family. This vow of silence will be incredibly difficult seeing as how I'm living with such incompetant wastes of space. Among the waste being my father, the raging hypocrite who wouldn't know responsibilty if it came up and bit him on his huge, alcoholic ass. Also being my mother, who has yet to defend her child. Tonight, for example, she let her asshole of a husband yell at me about things that he doesn't even hold true in his life. When I started bawling, she took his side. When I started screaming, she told me he was my father and I had to respect him or else I would be punished even further.

Yes, mummy. That sounds like a brilliant idea. Give respect to the man who has fucked my life up so badly that youre thinking of sending me to an institution. Three cheers for my respectable father.

I fucking hate them all. One more year. One more fucking year.

This is absolutlely ridiculous. 

I have a father who drinks his sorrows away. Sorry, daddy, that we make you so angry and unhappy that you have to turn to liquor. Sorry, also, that you think it's us that enables you to drink. Newsflash: youre the one putting the liquid in your system. Youre the one making the choices. So grow up and start make decisions and stop making excuses, you pathetic waste.

I have a mother who won't remain mad at her asshole husband out of fear that he'll go and drink some more. She refuses to believe he has a problem or, daresay, speak of it to anyone besides the me or my sister for fear the the neighborhood will find out and we'll be the "talk of the town." Newsflash to you, mommy, no one gives a shit about our family. And if they did, then it's sad that they need a family's tragedy to spice up their daily conversation. And my classmates? Oh yes, I'm just dying for their acceptance. Give me a break. Be a mom and stand up for your children.

I have a sister who also lives in denial that we have an asshole father. She turns to God and her Bible and her friends that she bad mouths on a daily basis. She can't stop being holy for 5 seconds to be a big sister and comfort her terribly angry and hurting baby sister. Just go to college. It's not like you dont already pretend you dont exist in this family anyways.

My only joy...

I have an amazing boyfriend. I know we have our occasional fights (that i post, but i swear i dont stay angry for long) He wants nothing more than to see me smile. He sticks to his promises and protects me. He hates to see me hurting. He hates that I live in such a fucked up environment and wants to save me. He truly is my knight in shining armor. I would be terribly lost without him.

Perhaps you put it best, dear boy, when you said "we are the only ones."

No one has the ability to surprise me or the power to disappoint me quite like you.

I dont even know. Everything used to be fine. Now it's all gone to shit. 

I miss last summer. I miss G-babe. I miss calling random trashy boys "queerbait" on the boardwalk with her. I miss Mack and Mancos dinners with ethan and taylor. I even miss survivor weekend.

The only one who knows how to fix this is a million miles away. I dont even know if he'll be around when he gets back. Some people can't hack the distance. Bullshit promises are bound to be broken.

I have no faith in anyone.